Picked Last

I was not an athletic child.  There is a picture of me at age 10, standing at the start of a church picnic race.  I was wearing a red and white plaid shirt, red velour shorts pulled up nearly to my armpits, and flip flops.  But it was my posture – my totally nonathletic stance – that made me laugh.  And cringe.  And it became clear why I was often picked last in PE.

It took awhile for my muscles to catch up with my height, but by high school I wasn’t totally hopeless.  I was a mean shot in basketball and very good at table-tennis, though the memories of being picked last still remain.

Imagine my heartache when my daughter told me recently that she was picked last for a team.  It didn’t seem to bother her as it bothered me, but it made me wonder, again, why adults do this to kids.  It’s not like there’s only one way to balance teams.

I’m guessing most PE teachers or coaches were athletic as children and, as a result, were popular – thus never experiencing the agony of standing there, kicking at the dirt, trying to look as if you didn’t care as you waited to hear your name, knowing your team didn’t really want you but, rather, were stuck with you.

You’d think, with all the bullying awareness campaigns, adults who inflict this psychological pain upon children would realize that they are helping the bullies – essentially putting a target on the backs of those picked last.

And I have one thing to say about that.  Please stop.

Community Challenge

This will be my last article on bullying.  Thank you to those who have encouraged me and shared their own experiences and insights into this far-reaching topic.

These have been difficult articles to write for a number of reasons: 1) Everyone seems to have an emotional investment in the subject so I felt the need to write sensitively, 2) It’s an expansive topic that has so many angles, many of which I’ve barely scratched the surface, and 3) Since I’m not a perfect parent and love is often the last thing I feel when I see a bully at work, I’ve sometimes felt hypocritical while writing.

But I have learned a lot, and awareness and education was my goal.  As a result of this focus, at family mealtime we now ask each other: “What did you do today to be nice to someone?”

I’m happy to know that local high school students have been working on anti-bullying presentations to be offered to younger students.  Awareness and education are key.  I believe the girls who bullied my daughter were nice girls who didn’t realize they were actually being bullies when they gossiped and excluded.

One of my readers sent a link to a program I think sounds fantastic: http://www.rachelschallenge.org/.  The goal of this program is “…to inspire…and empower every person to create a permanent positive culture change in their school, business and community by starting a chain reaction of kindness and compassion.” (from the Rachel’s Challenge mission statement)

Instead of focusing on the negative (bullying), the idea is to focus on the positive (kindness).  If one person has the courage to reach out in kindness and compassion to someone each day, imagine the difference that person could make.  I can do that!  So can you.

And if you and I can make a difference, just think what a whole community could do.  The question is, are we up to the challenge?

Bye-Bye Bullies

I’ve written about bullies and victims and parents and teachers, but I haven’t written about another very powerful group of people.  People who could, if they wanted to, reduce bullying substantially.

These people are the bystanders.  Bystanders are usually the peers of either the bully or the target.

What would you do if you witnessed an assault in progress?  Would you be scared for your own safety and run away?  Would you physically intervene, yell “Stop that!” or hide while you called 911?  Would you stand and watch, maybe catch it on your iPhone to broadcast later on YouTube?

Statistics reveal that bystanders are present in 85% of bullying instances and reinforce the bully in 81% of these instances.  This means they help the victim only 4% of the time; yet, when bystanders do step in, bullying stops within 10 seconds. (stats from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a grade 9 teacher)

The reasons most bystanders don’t do anything are: The bully is someone others look up to and want to associate with.  They want to side with the bully because then they feel strong.  They’re entertained by the bullying.  They don't think speaking up will help.  They're afraid that if they say something the bully will turn on them.

Saying something as simple as “knock it off” can take away the bully’s power and end the bullying session.  If there is a fear of danger, walk away and call for help.  Even asking for help anonymously will help put a stop to future bullying.

Pink Shirt Day (that sparked this series of articles) stemmed from the actions of two brave bystanders at a school in Nova Scotia.  When a new student was bullied for wearing a pink shirt on his first day, these students bought 50 pink shirts and asked their classmates to wear them.  The message they sent was clear:  No bullying here.  Bye-bye bullies.

Tough Love

Imagine that your child is being bullied.  Your Mama or Papa Bear instincts flare to life and you want to teach that bully a lesson.  You instruct your child how to fight back or you step in angry, yelling…

This is a natural reaction.  But does it really fix anything?  It might save your child from that bully, but does it help the bully’s next victim or the bully himself (or herself)?

In my last few articles, I have used the term “bully” to describe those who inflict some kind of pain upon others.  We think of bullies as powerful and predatory when, in fact, they are weak in some way – insecure, intolerant, arrogant, entitled, abused, or afraid.

Today, let’s put the label of “bully” aside and think of them as the people they are, hurting and searching for a way to feel better.

Referring back to the above example, what would happen if we pushed our initial “fight back” instincts aside?  What if, instead, we explained to the bully firmly and kindly that what he’s doing isn’t right and won’t be tolerated, but that we like him anyway.  What if we encouraged compassion, understanding, and even friendship?  What if we rejected the negative behaviour while acknowledging the worth of the individual?

Two very different men named John, many years apart, wrote:  “All you need is love” and “Love one another”.  Perhaps they were on to something – something profound, something even life-altering.

Children are so impressionable.  Before they become hardened teenagers or adults who need to be fired, fined, or incarcerated, we can help them by doing what is right, even though it’s tough.  We’re not slaves to our instincts; we have the ability to choose, to learn, and to change.  And so do the “bullies”.

Dodging Bullies

Since bullies will probably be with us until our stellar parenting and leadership skills kick in, we all need to learn how to avoid being victims.

Bullies are predators who pounce on those who exhibit weakness.  These perceived weaknesses can be in any area (physical, social, intellectual, etc.).  Someone is short, someone is overweight, someone is uncoordinated, someone is alone, someone won’t swear, someone can’t read, someone got all A’s, someone has dyslexia…

Depending on the bully, the weaknesses they prey upon differ.  Even strengths – like not swearing or getting all A’s – can be seen as a difference and, therefore, a weakness.  We can’t escape being different, so here are a few ideas to make us less likely to be targeted (taken from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a Grade 9 teacher):  a) Don’t bring expensive things to school.  b) Avoid unsupervised areas and try not to walk alone.  c) Act confident.  Hold your head up, stand up straight, and make eye contact.  d) Avoid places where bullying happens.

If you find yourself being bullied:  Ignore them.  Don’t look at them.  Pretend you didn’t hear.  Don’t show that you are angry or upset.  Turn the comment into a joke.  Respond to the bully firmly.  Remove yourself from the situation.  Turn and walk away.  Go to where an adult is.  Tell an adult.  Talk about it with someone you trust.  Write down any incidents.

The key is to take away the bully’s power.  Act like their bullying has no effect.  I stink at this.  I’m the type of person who lies in bed at night coming up with brilliant retorts a few hours too late.  If you’re like me – or even if you’re not – tell an adult or someone who can do something about the bullying.  This is not being a tattle-tale.

Take back the power!

The Newest Bully

Bullies have always been around.  In fact, if we consider world history on a corrupt-kings-and-tyrannical-leadership scale, it used to be worse. Things got better for countries who embraced the concept of human rights, but even then bullies remained.

So why this recent focus frenzy on bullying?  Has it really gotten worse lately or do we just hear about it more?  The tragic teen suicides and school shootings have definitely put the issue into the spotlight.  But no, bullying is not new, though something else is:  computer technology and the Internet and, in turn, cyber-bullying.

At one time, children could come home and get away from the negative peer behaviour that was going on at school.  Now, the moment they turn on their computers, log in to social networking sites, or flip open their cell phones, it could be there waiting for them.

Cyber-bullying is especially dangerous because, a) it can be constant (can’t get away as mentioned above), b) it can be hard for adults to notice (unlike a black eye), c) it can be more malicious than face-to-face bullying because perpetrators have a sense of protective anonymity, and d) it can be hard to stop because perpetrators actually CAN be anonymous and almost impossible to catch.

I appreciate technology, I really do.  But if we’re not careful, it could make a lot of things worse, including bullying.  Are children and teens with their heads glued to iPads and thumbs stuck to iPhones learning proper socials skills, conflict resolution, and so forth?  Are parents who are likewise addicted to technology noticing what’s going on with their children?  Are they spending time teaching them to be sociable, kind, and accountable?

If we adults don’t control the technology in our lives by monitoring Internet usage, watching for cyber-bullies, and unplugging often to practice positive face-to-face communication, then who will?

School - The Bully's Arena

Take twenty-five kids, stick them in a room for six hours, five days a week and expect them to get along.  Ah, school!  No wonder this is the place many of us experience our first social difficulties.  Inevitable personality clashes, however, are different from the deliberate meanness of bullying.

There are so many places at school (classrooms, hallways, playgrounds, buses) and so many victims to choose from, it’s no wonder school is a bully’s ideal arena.  Administrators, teachers, and bus drivers (aside from the few who are perpetrators themselves) try hard to curtail bullying.  But we know teachers can’t be everywhere or see everything, so here are a few ideas to help:

1)  Assign partners and seatmates instead of having children choose their own.  The child left without a partner might as well have “next victim” stamped on his forehead.  And varied seatmates can cultivate friendships and tolerance.

2)  Avoid giving students power over other students.  Some students will abuse the power and become bullies, while others will be marked as “teacher’s pet” for future social bullying.

3)  Watch for children who don’t want to go outside at recess, or who linger or bolt at home time.  Find out the reason for their behaviour.

4)  Believe children who complain of bullying and act accordingly.

Parents can help by showing respect for the difficult roles teachers and administrators play and working with them to reduce bullying.

My first experience with a would-be bully was on the school bus.  He wound his fingers through my hair and said he would keep pulling until I swore, which I wouldn’t do.  When my mom learned of this, she called the school.  With the help of administrators, the bus driver, and the boy’s parents, I wasn’t bothered again.

It may be cliché, but working together, we really can make a difference.

Where Do Bullies Come From?

Once there was a little boy whose father beat him and his mother yelled at him.  When the little boy went to school, he shouted at the other children and threw rocks because he didn’t know how to be nice.

During my reading this week, I learned that an estimated 40% of bullies are bullied themselves at home or at school.  These abused children feel powerless and, in turn, try to find power and attention elsewhere, often acting out physically.

This is how some bullies are created, but not all.

Researchers have not been able to find a link between bullies and race, religion, income level, gender, etc. but they can agree on this:  bullies are created because they are searching for some kind of power.

For example, children seeking the power of popularity will try to cover their own low self-esteem by putting others down (social bullying).  This is the most common form of bullying I have seen.

Many bullies have no “reason” to be mean.  They are often superior in some way (athletic, attractive, or social) and power over their peers comes naturally, resulting in a following.  This taste of power creates a thirst for more power, which they usually gain through intimidation, another form of bullying.  An example of this?  Captain of a sports team.

The bad news is that bullying is a learned behaviour – which puts parents (and all adults) in the hot seat.  The good news is that we can do something about it:

1) Be kind.  2) Learn appropriate and consistent discipline.  3) Show unconditional love that is not based on achievements or popularity.  4) Nip bullying behaviour in the bud (using step #2).  5) Seek professional help if your child shows abnormally aggressive, impulsive, or anti-social behaviour.  6) Be an example of tolerance and consideration for others.

It’s a good place to start.

Bullying Awareness

Last Wednesday, people across Canada supported Pink Shirt Day to send the message:  Stop Bullying.

I found this Pink Shirt Day rather ironic since my daughter was teased last year for wearing a pink shirt to school.  They called her a girly-girl and a goody-goody.  They told her where she could or couldn’t sit and whispered secrets about her.  She was too sweet and shocked to stick up for herself, so the emotional bullying began.

Some might argue that this wasn’t real bullying because she wasn’t hurt physically.  However, bullying is defined as “an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally.  Bullying behavior may include name calling, verbal or written abuse, exclusion from activities, exclusion from social situations, physical abuse, or coercion.”

These little pin-pricks inflicted on my daughter over time became a big deal.  She began to have anxiety attacks at night and dreaded going to school.  As a result, she’s being homeschooled this year.

Now we’ve worn our pink shirts, listened to the news, and become brilliantly aware that bullying is a problem.  What’s next?

I don’t know.  There doesn’t seem to be a clear or easy solution to the problem, but the first step, I believe, is to really understand the issue.

Who or what creates bullies?  What causes some kids to be picked on more than others?  Where is the line between normal childish behavior and bullying?  Can parents and other adults really do anything about it?  Has bullying always been a problem that we are simply more aware of now?

Over the next few weeks I plan to look for the answers to these questions.  I’m no expert, but I am a concerned parent and citizen who can research, ask, listen, and write.  Since awareness is the start of a solution, that’s where I’ll begin.