Tough Love

Imagine that your child is being bullied.  Your Mama or Papa Bear instincts flare to life and you want to teach that bully a lesson.  You instruct your child how to fight back or you step in angry, yelling…

This is a natural reaction.  But does it really fix anything?  It might save your child from that bully, but does it help the bully’s next victim or the bully himself (or herself)?

In my last few articles, I have used the term “bully” to describe those who inflict some kind of pain upon others.  We think of bullies as powerful and predatory when, in fact, they are weak in some way – insecure, intolerant, arrogant, entitled, abused, or afraid.

Today, let’s put the label of “bully” aside and think of them as the people they are, hurting and searching for a way to feel better.

Referring back to the above example, what would happen if we pushed our initial “fight back” instincts aside?  What if, instead, we explained to the bully firmly and kindly that what he’s doing isn’t right and won’t be tolerated, but that we like him anyway.  What if we encouraged compassion, understanding, and even friendship?  What if we rejected the negative behaviour while acknowledging the worth of the individual?

Two very different men named John, many years apart, wrote:  “All you need is love” and “Love one another”.  Perhaps they were on to something – something profound, something even life-altering.

Children are so impressionable.  Before they become hardened teenagers or adults who need to be fired, fined, or incarcerated, we can help them by doing what is right, even though it’s tough.  We’re not slaves to our instincts; we have the ability to choose, to learn, and to change.  And so do the “bullies”.

Dodging Bullies

Since bullies will probably be with us until our stellar parenting and leadership skills kick in, we all need to learn how to avoid being victims.

Bullies are predators who pounce on those who exhibit weakness.  These perceived weaknesses can be in any area (physical, social, intellectual, etc.).  Someone is short, someone is overweight, someone is uncoordinated, someone is alone, someone won’t swear, someone can’t read, someone got all A’s, someone has dyslexia…

Depending on the bully, the weaknesses they prey upon differ.  Even strengths – like not swearing or getting all A’s – can be seen as a difference and, therefore, a weakness.  We can’t escape being different, so here are a few ideas to make us less likely to be targeted (taken from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a Grade 9 teacher):  a) Don’t bring expensive things to school.  b) Avoid unsupervised areas and try not to walk alone.  c) Act confident.  Hold your head up, stand up straight, and make eye contact.  d) Avoid places where bullying happens.

If you find yourself being bullied:  Ignore them.  Don’t look at them.  Pretend you didn’t hear.  Don’t show that you are angry or upset.  Turn the comment into a joke.  Respond to the bully firmly.  Remove yourself from the situation.  Turn and walk away.  Go to where an adult is.  Tell an adult.  Talk about it with someone you trust.  Write down any incidents.

The key is to take away the bully’s power.  Act like their bullying has no effect.  I stink at this.  I’m the type of person who lies in bed at night coming up with brilliant retorts a few hours too late.  If you’re like me – or even if you’re not – tell an adult or someone who can do something about the bullying.  This is not being a tattle-tale.

Take back the power!

Where Do Bullies Come From?

Once there was a little boy whose father beat him and his mother yelled at him.  When the little boy went to school, he shouted at the other children and threw rocks because he didn’t know how to be nice.

During my reading this week, I learned that an estimated 40% of bullies are bullied themselves at home or at school.  These abused children feel powerless and, in turn, try to find power and attention elsewhere, often acting out physically.

This is how some bullies are created, but not all.

Researchers have not been able to find a link between bullies and race, religion, income level, gender, etc. but they can agree on this:  bullies are created because they are searching for some kind of power.

For example, children seeking the power of popularity will try to cover their own low self-esteem by putting others down (social bullying).  This is the most common form of bullying I have seen.

Many bullies have no “reason” to be mean.  They are often superior in some way (athletic, attractive, or social) and power over their peers comes naturally, resulting in a following.  This taste of power creates a thirst for more power, which they usually gain through intimidation, another form of bullying.  An example of this?  Captain of a sports team.

The bad news is that bullying is a learned behaviour – which puts parents (and all adults) in the hot seat.  The good news is that we can do something about it:

1) Be kind.  2) Learn appropriate and consistent discipline.  3) Show unconditional love that is not based on achievements or popularity.  4) Nip bullying behaviour in the bud (using step #2).  5) Seek professional help if your child shows abnormally aggressive, impulsive, or anti-social behaviour.  6) Be an example of tolerance and consideration for others.

It’s a good place to start.