Inexperienced Judges

A few weeks ago Harambe, a male gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, was shot to save the life of a four year old boy who fell into his enclosure.

While this was a terrible tragedy, I was alarmed at the outcry on social media. Some suggested the gorilla should have been saved at the expense of the child while many others screamed gross parental negligence.

I have a few things to say about that. First, if she took her kids to the zoo, she was trying to be a good mother.

Second, those who don’t have kids don’t get to make judgments about those who do. Unless you babysit regularly or work in a daycare, you simply have no idea how fast and smart and resourceful those little people can be – some more than others. All it takes is one trip to the bathroom, or one glance in the opposite direction. Yes, care-givers need to be vigilant but perfection is impossible. Mistakes happen. Accidents happen.

Those with one child shouldn’t judge those with two, those with two shouldn’t judge those with three, and so forth. Likewise, if you don’t have teenagers, preschool boys, twin girls, or a special needs child, you don’t get to judge those who do.

Here’s a novel idea: Maybe we just shouldn’t judge one another.

That can be hard. For example, I wonder why those who noticed the child go through the fence didn’t grab him by the ankle and hang on. After all, it takes a village – to help, not criticize.

Misery Loves Company

At the end of January we took our son to Edmonton for a long-awaited dental procedure.  Because of his asthma and the possible complications of general anesthesia, it needed to happen at the Stollery Children’s Hospital.

When we got there, I was amazed at the number of children going in for surgery.  Dressed in yellow and white-striped pajama bottoms and green hospital gowns with numbing cream taped to their hands, they sat on parents’ laps and played electronic games.

It’s an emotional thing to wait with a child before surgery.  Fear of the unknown coupled with the knowledge that every now and then something goes wrong is an effective recipe for anxiety.  But, for some reason, seeing so many others there made me feel better.  I guess misery does love company.

Finally, we were taken to a lonely hallway on the third floor where our son happily climbed onto his gurney.  I kissed him, told him he was “my best little boy”, and quickly moved behind him so he couldn’t see my tears.  Seven minutes later my husband came out of the Operating Room and reported he was asleep.  I dried my eyes and we went for lunch.

When we came back to wait for the dentist’s report, another mother was kissing her infant daughter “goodbye”.  Watching her cry made me start up again.  Our eyes met and I said, “It’s hard, isn’t it?”  We both chuckled through our tears and I think she felt better knowing someone understood her pain.

Sometimes, we just need to know we’re not alone.

It's Nice That You Can

When my oldest child celebrates her birthday, I also mark my anniversary of becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom.  As I trained my replacement at work, co-workers asked, “Are you planning to come back?”  I answered honestly, “No. Not unless something goes wrong.”  Several women replied wistfully, “It’s nice that you can stay home.  You’re so lucky.”

I’ve often wondered what they meant by that.  Did they think I could stay home because we were well off financially? 

When our daughter was born, we lived on my income in a one-bedroom apartment.  My husband was in his third year of university, paying tuition with a student loan.  We didn’t own a car or a couch.  We walked or took the bus everywhere and relaxed on an old loveseat from my parents.

But that was the plan.  Before we married we decided to do whatever it took to allow me to stay home with the children.  We still believe it’s the best place I can be right now.

It’s a choice all parents must make at some point.  Who will care for your children?  Single or divorced parents have less options – God bless you for working to care for your families.  For the rest of us, it can be a hard decision.

Lately we’ve been contemplating Disneyland.  By the time the baby is old enough to enjoy it, we may have enough saved.  Of course, if I was working outside the home we’d be able to afford it sooner.  But we’ve chosen different priorities.

Yes, it is nice that we can…make choices.

When To Push

Don’t worry; this article isn’t about childbirth.

It’s about that difficult question:  When do we make someone do something they don’t want to do?  When do we push?  When do we ease up?

Some things are distasteful but necessary – like taking out the garbage or cleaning the toilets.  Some things have to be done.  Some things don’t.

This past week my daughter begged to be home-schooled again.  It was okay with me, but we had to consider what was best for her.  Did she need to work through this?  Did we need to make her stick it out?

I think such decisions require us to ask at least five questions:  1) Is it necessary?  2) Is there an alternative?  3) Is it affecting one’s health?  4) Is it becoming a pattern?  5) What are the possible future consequences and are they acceptable?

Sometimes making a decision is like stepping into the dark.  Sometimes the light doesn’t come on until after we’ve taken that first step.  I found this out 17 years ago.  My fiancé and I were great friends and had the same goals but I was completely miserable when we got engaged.  Breaking it off was hard but right.  I was sad but at peace.

It’s okay to turn around if we find we’re going the wrong way.  In fact, I think it shows wisdom, character, and humility to say, “I was wrong; I need to back up and try something else.”  My mom will be forever grateful her parents pulled her out of boarding school when she was 12.  I’ll be forever grateful I was allowed to quit jazz when I was 15.

Perhaps great leaders choose to motivate, inspire, and invite because really, who likes to be pushed by anyone but ourselves?

Watchful Citizens

Last week a friend of mine posted on Facebook that there had been an abduction a few blocks from her home in Fort McMurray.  Roads were closed, police out in full force.

The next day another friend posted that HE was the one the police were looking for.  He had been on the way to the park with his two children when it started to rain.  His autistic son began to scream and run, so he gave chase with his 4-year-old daughter on his shoulders.  Someone heard the screams and saw the man running with a little girl on his shoulders – and came to the wrong conclusion.

Some think this story is hilarious.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Of course I can see the humourous side and I’m thankful it has a happy ending, but I find it rather alarming that an entire city was disrupted and the police’s time wasted because of a misunderstanding that could have been avoided if the witness had spent a few more seconds to understand what was really going on.

On one hand I want to say “thank you” for watching and helping to keep our children safe.  It’s nice to know people are willing to step in and be good Samaritans and pro-active bystanders.

On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if we are too quick to assume the worst of parents and others – labeling them neglectful or abusive without any real understanding of what’s actually going on.  As in my friend’s case, how many innocent situations are being turned into dramatic, traumatizing ones?

But speaking of traumatic events, I’m sure nothing could be as awful as having a child kidnapped, so let’s continue to be watchful citizens, using our brains and our intuition to keep our neighbourhoods safe.

Fathers Needed

When my son was born a year ago, my mom couldn’t come to help like she usually does (she had recently undergone knee replacement surgery).  Instead, my dad came to lend a hand.  He played games with the older children, did dishes faithfully, and vacuumed.

Late one morning I caught him on the back porch cleaning the vacuum filter with a toothpick and tweezers.  This simple act of service – doing this thing he knew I would never have time to do in the next several months – brought tears to my eyes.  That’s my dad.  Forever helpful, forever compassionate.

Is it any wonder I feel extra safe and extra loved when my dad comes to visit?  No one can ever take the place of a good dad.

Fathers are different than mothers.  That’s the way it’s supposed to be.  Among other things, they are great at wrestling, giving horsey rides, and teaching kids on a physical level.  Moms are usually better at nurturing and teaching on an emotional level.  The actions and teaching styles displayed by both parents are important in the healthy development of children.

Why do we belittle the role of fathers and downplay their importance?  Why do we let Hollywood tell us that we don’t need dads in the home?

All I need to do is look at the expression on my daughter’s face when her daddy tells her she looks pretty in her new dress, or performed well in a recital, or needs to do better at cleaning her room.  All I need to do is have my husband be away for an entire day to know how much we need him.

Fathers, we love you.  Please spend time with us.  Please be good to us.  The truth is: we need you desperately.

Tough Love

Imagine that your child is being bullied.  Your Mama or Papa Bear instincts flare to life and you want to teach that bully a lesson.  You instruct your child how to fight back or you step in angry, yelling…

This is a natural reaction.  But does it really fix anything?  It might save your child from that bully, but does it help the bully’s next victim or the bully himself (or herself)?

In my last few articles, I have used the term “bully” to describe those who inflict some kind of pain upon others.  We think of bullies as powerful and predatory when, in fact, they are weak in some way – insecure, intolerant, arrogant, entitled, abused, or afraid.

Today, let’s put the label of “bully” aside and think of them as the people they are, hurting and searching for a way to feel better.

Referring back to the above example, what would happen if we pushed our initial “fight back” instincts aside?  What if, instead, we explained to the bully firmly and kindly that what he’s doing isn’t right and won’t be tolerated, but that we like him anyway.  What if we encouraged compassion, understanding, and even friendship?  What if we rejected the negative behaviour while acknowledging the worth of the individual?

Two very different men named John, many years apart, wrote:  “All you need is love” and “Love one another”.  Perhaps they were on to something – something profound, something even life-altering.

Children are so impressionable.  Before they become hardened teenagers or adults who need to be fired, fined, or incarcerated, we can help them by doing what is right, even though it’s tough.  We’re not slaves to our instincts; we have the ability to choose, to learn, and to change.  And so do the “bullies”.

School - The Bully's Arena

Take twenty-five kids, stick them in a room for six hours, five days a week and expect them to get along.  Ah, school!  No wonder this is the place many of us experience our first social difficulties.  Inevitable personality clashes, however, are different from the deliberate meanness of bullying.

There are so many places at school (classrooms, hallways, playgrounds, buses) and so many victims to choose from, it’s no wonder school is a bully’s ideal arena.  Administrators, teachers, and bus drivers (aside from the few who are perpetrators themselves) try hard to curtail bullying.  But we know teachers can’t be everywhere or see everything, so here are a few ideas to help:

1)  Assign partners and seatmates instead of having children choose their own.  The child left without a partner might as well have “next victim” stamped on his forehead.  And varied seatmates can cultivate friendships and tolerance.

2)  Avoid giving students power over other students.  Some students will abuse the power and become bullies, while others will be marked as “teacher’s pet” for future social bullying.

3)  Watch for children who don’t want to go outside at recess, or who linger or bolt at home time.  Find out the reason for their behaviour.

4)  Believe children who complain of bullying and act accordingly.

Parents can help by showing respect for the difficult roles teachers and administrators play and working with them to reduce bullying.

My first experience with a would-be bully was on the school bus.  He wound his fingers through my hair and said he would keep pulling until I swore, which I wouldn’t do.  When my mom learned of this, she called the school.  With the help of administrators, the bus driver, and the boy’s parents, I wasn’t bothered again.

It may be cliché, but working together, we really can make a difference.

Where Do Bullies Come From?

Once there was a little boy whose father beat him and his mother yelled at him.  When the little boy went to school, he shouted at the other children and threw rocks because he didn’t know how to be nice.

During my reading this week, I learned that an estimated 40% of bullies are bullied themselves at home or at school.  These abused children feel powerless and, in turn, try to find power and attention elsewhere, often acting out physically.

This is how some bullies are created, but not all.

Researchers have not been able to find a link between bullies and race, religion, income level, gender, etc. but they can agree on this:  bullies are created because they are searching for some kind of power.

For example, children seeking the power of popularity will try to cover their own low self-esteem by putting others down (social bullying).  This is the most common form of bullying I have seen.

Many bullies have no “reason” to be mean.  They are often superior in some way (athletic, attractive, or social) and power over their peers comes naturally, resulting in a following.  This taste of power creates a thirst for more power, which they usually gain through intimidation, another form of bullying.  An example of this?  Captain of a sports team.

The bad news is that bullying is a learned behaviour – which puts parents (and all adults) in the hot seat.  The good news is that we can do something about it:

1) Be kind.  2) Learn appropriate and consistent discipline.  3) Show unconditional love that is not based on achievements or popularity.  4) Nip bullying behaviour in the bud (using step #2).  5) Seek professional help if your child shows abnormally aggressive, impulsive, or anti-social behaviour.  6) Be an example of tolerance and consideration for others.

It’s a good place to start.