The Newest Bully

Bullies have always been around.  In fact, if we consider world history on a corrupt-kings-and-tyrannical-leadership scale, it used to be worse. Things got better for countries who embraced the concept of human rights, but even then bullies remained.

So why this recent focus frenzy on bullying?  Has it really gotten worse lately or do we just hear about it more?  The tragic teen suicides and school shootings have definitely put the issue into the spotlight.  But no, bullying is not new, though something else is:  computer technology and the Internet and, in turn, cyber-bullying.

At one time, children could come home and get away from the negative peer behaviour that was going on at school.  Now, the moment they turn on their computers, log in to social networking sites, or flip open their cell phones, it could be there waiting for them.

Cyber-bullying is especially dangerous because, a) it can be constant (can’t get away as mentioned above), b) it can be hard for adults to notice (unlike a black eye), c) it can be more malicious than face-to-face bullying because perpetrators have a sense of protective anonymity, and d) it can be hard to stop because perpetrators actually CAN be anonymous and almost impossible to catch.

I appreciate technology, I really do.  But if we’re not careful, it could make a lot of things worse, including bullying.  Are children and teens with their heads glued to iPads and thumbs stuck to iPhones learning proper socials skills, conflict resolution, and so forth?  Are parents who are likewise addicted to technology noticing what’s going on with their children?  Are they spending time teaching them to be sociable, kind, and accountable?

If we adults don’t control the technology in our lives by monitoring Internet usage, watching for cyber-bullies, and unplugging often to practice positive face-to-face communication, then who will?

School - The Bully's Arena

Take twenty-five kids, stick them in a room for six hours, five days a week and expect them to get along.  Ah, school!  No wonder this is the place many of us experience our first social difficulties.  Inevitable personality clashes, however, are different from the deliberate meanness of bullying.

There are so many places at school (classrooms, hallways, playgrounds, buses) and so many victims to choose from, it’s no wonder school is a bully’s ideal arena.  Administrators, teachers, and bus drivers (aside from the few who are perpetrators themselves) try hard to curtail bullying.  But we know teachers can’t be everywhere or see everything, so here are a few ideas to help:

1)  Assign partners and seatmates instead of having children choose their own.  The child left without a partner might as well have “next victim” stamped on his forehead.  And varied seatmates can cultivate friendships and tolerance.

2)  Avoid giving students power over other students.  Some students will abuse the power and become bullies, while others will be marked as “teacher’s pet” for future social bullying.

3)  Watch for children who don’t want to go outside at recess, or who linger or bolt at home time.  Find out the reason for their behaviour.

4)  Believe children who complain of bullying and act accordingly.

Parents can help by showing respect for the difficult roles teachers and administrators play and working with them to reduce bullying.

My first experience with a would-be bully was on the school bus.  He wound his fingers through my hair and said he would keep pulling until I swore, which I wouldn’t do.  When my mom learned of this, she called the school.  With the help of administrators, the bus driver, and the boy’s parents, I wasn’t bothered again.

It may be cliché, but working together, we really can make a difference.

Where Do Bullies Come From?

Once there was a little boy whose father beat him and his mother yelled at him.  When the little boy went to school, he shouted at the other children and threw rocks because he didn’t know how to be nice.

During my reading this week, I learned that an estimated 40% of bullies are bullied themselves at home or at school.  These abused children feel powerless and, in turn, try to find power and attention elsewhere, often acting out physically.

This is how some bullies are created, but not all.

Researchers have not been able to find a link between bullies and race, religion, income level, gender, etc. but they can agree on this:  bullies are created because they are searching for some kind of power.

For example, children seeking the power of popularity will try to cover their own low self-esteem by putting others down (social bullying).  This is the most common form of bullying I have seen.

Many bullies have no “reason” to be mean.  They are often superior in some way (athletic, attractive, or social) and power over their peers comes naturally, resulting in a following.  This taste of power creates a thirst for more power, which they usually gain through intimidation, another form of bullying.  An example of this?  Captain of a sports team.

The bad news is that bullying is a learned behaviour – which puts parents (and all adults) in the hot seat.  The good news is that we can do something about it:

1) Be kind.  2) Learn appropriate and consistent discipline.  3) Show unconditional love that is not based on achievements or popularity.  4) Nip bullying behaviour in the bud (using step #2).  5) Seek professional help if your child shows abnormally aggressive, impulsive, or anti-social behaviour.  6) Be an example of tolerance and consideration for others.

It’s a good place to start.

Bullying Awareness

Last Wednesday, people across Canada supported Pink Shirt Day to send the message:  Stop Bullying.

I found this Pink Shirt Day rather ironic since my daughter was teased last year for wearing a pink shirt to school.  They called her a girly-girl and a goody-goody.  They told her where she could or couldn’t sit and whispered secrets about her.  She was too sweet and shocked to stick up for herself, so the emotional bullying began.

Some might argue that this wasn’t real bullying because she wasn’t hurt physically.  However, bullying is defined as “an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally.  Bullying behavior may include name calling, verbal or written abuse, exclusion from activities, exclusion from social situations, physical abuse, or coercion.”

These little pin-pricks inflicted on my daughter over time became a big deal.  She began to have anxiety attacks at night and dreaded going to school.  As a result, she’s being homeschooled this year.

Now we’ve worn our pink shirts, listened to the news, and become brilliantly aware that bullying is a problem.  What’s next?

I don’t know.  There doesn’t seem to be a clear or easy solution to the problem, but the first step, I believe, is to really understand the issue.

Who or what creates bullies?  What causes some kids to be picked on more than others?  Where is the line between normal childish behavior and bullying?  Can parents and other adults really do anything about it?  Has bullying always been a problem that we are simply more aware of now?

Over the next few weeks I plan to look for the answers to these questions.  I’m no expert, but I am a concerned parent and citizen who can research, ask, listen, and write.  Since awareness is the start of a solution, that’s where I’ll begin.