Elections - An Exercise In Trust

I’m taking a break from my bullying articles this week to write about the upcoming election.

Normally, politics is not something I write about, since plenty of other people do.  All I will say about our local candidates is that I was impressed when _____ came to my door.  She seems to be approachable and down-to-earth and I believe that, if re-elected, she will “take honesty and common sense to the table”.  The others I have yet to look into.

Elections are a matter of trust.  Who do you trust enough to represent your voice?

Too many of us rely on opinions in the media or what our friends have to say instead of doing the work of study and research ourselves.  We need to ask questions of our candidates, scour their websites, read factual articles, and know their platforms.

If you wanted to know Canada Post rates, would you talk to the UPS guy?  If you wanted to learn about Catholicism, would you go online to read what an ex-priest had to say or perhaps watch The Exorcist?  Of course not.

But when our votes are swayed by attack campaign ads, someone else’s opinion, a catchy, meaningless slogan, or the sign on your neighbour’s lawn, that is, in effect, what we’re doing.

Discussing opinions and debating issues is fine, but not if that’s the extent of our research.  The smart thing to do is go to the source to find out what they have to say about themselves and their party.  If we mull that information over, make a decision, see how it feels in our gut, and then go to the polls, we can trust ourselves to make the right decision.

The Perfect Mother

Did you have a good Mothers Day?  I hope so.

Some of my Mothers Days have been better than others.  One year I found myself in tears because it felt like a day to celebrate The Perfect Mother ideal rather than The Imperfect Mother reality.  Instead of feeling appreciated for what I was, I saw my many flaws.

Then I got smart.  I took a closer look at the mothers around me.  I have a mother, a mother-in-law, three sisters and four sisters-in-law who are mothers, and many friends and acquaintances who are mothers.  That’s a lot of mothers to observe, including myself.

Guess what I found we had in common?

Nothing.

Except that we’re all mothers.

There’s the mother who plans her life around her children and rarely does anything without them, and the mother who lives her life and squeezes her children in there somewhere.  There’s the mother who sprays everything with disinfectant, and the mother who thinks a little dirt never hurt anyone.  There’s the mother who sees nothing wrong with an occasional swat on the bottom, and the mother who gives only time-outs.  There’s the mother who dresses her kids in designer clothes and tells them to “stay clean”, and the mother who dresses them in stained pants and says “get dirty”.  There’s the mother who watches her child’s diet carefully, and the mother who feels that childhood is a time for sweets and treats.

Yup, we’re all different.  When it comes to mothering, there’s no one right way to do things.  Sure, there’s always room for improvement, but remember this:  not everyone decorates cakes, sews clothes, throws parties, and braids hair like they do on Pinterest.  So give yourself – and other mothers – a break.

 

The Perfect Mother is the one who loves her children and does her best to care for them, realizing that some days are better than others.

Anniversary Tickets

This spring marks my 20-year anniversary as a licensed driver.

Ten years after I got my license, I got my first ticket.  It was a speeding ticket for doing a whopping 50 km/hr.  To my disgrace, however, it was in a 30 km/hr school zone.  Before you think I’m a completely horrible person, let me tell you why I didn’t slow down that day:

My husband’s shift had recently changed from Monday - Friday to Tuesday - Saturday.  I was used to shopping on Saturdays and not worrying about school zones.  Suddenly my shopping day was Monday but I was still thinking “Saturday”.  It was my first time out alone since giving birth to our second child, and I was heading to a mall to do some Christmas shopping.  I was very excited and took a route I didn’t normally take.  It was morning and the sun was shining in my eyes; hence, I didn’t even see the sign.

After I got my ticket, I cried all the way home and for most of the day.  I had just blown our Christmas budget on a speeding ticket and, of course, I felt bad about speeding in a school zone.  Thankfully, the judge said I didn’t look like a speeder and he reduced my ticket so it wouldn’t affect our insurance.

Ten years later, which was a few weeks ago, I got my second ticket.  Wouldn’t you know it, this time it was a parking ticket while I attended a candidate forum prior to the recent election.  Just doing my duty to be an informed voter and – BAM!  Beware: Active and thorough Peace Officer in town.

For my 30-year driving anniversary I’d prefer another kind of ticket – tickets for a Broadway musical.  But just in case, I’d better cut down on my jay-walking.

Community Challenge

This will be my last article on bullying.  Thank you to those who have encouraged me and shared their own experiences and insights into this far-reaching topic.

These have been difficult articles to write for a number of reasons: 1) Everyone seems to have an emotional investment in the subject so I felt the need to write sensitively, 2) It’s an expansive topic that has so many angles, many of which I’ve barely scratched the surface, and 3) Since I’m not a perfect parent and love is often the last thing I feel when I see a bully at work, I’ve sometimes felt hypocritical while writing.

But I have learned a lot, and awareness and education was my goal.  As a result of this focus, at family mealtime we now ask each other: “What did you do today to be nice to someone?”

I’m happy to know that local high school students have been working on anti-bullying presentations to be offered to younger students.  Awareness and education are key.  I believe the girls who bullied my daughter were nice girls who didn’t realize they were actually being bullies when they gossiped and excluded.

One of my readers sent a link to a program I think sounds fantastic: http://www.rachelschallenge.org/.  The goal of this program is “…to inspire…and empower every person to create a permanent positive culture change in their school, business and community by starting a chain reaction of kindness and compassion.” (from the Rachel’s Challenge mission statement)

Instead of focusing on the negative (bullying), the idea is to focus on the positive (kindness).  If one person has the courage to reach out in kindness and compassion to someone each day, imagine the difference that person could make.  I can do that!  So can you.

And if you and I can make a difference, just think what a whole community could do.  The question is, are we up to the challenge?

Bye-Bye Bullies

I’ve written about bullies and victims and parents and teachers, but I haven’t written about another very powerful group of people.  People who could, if they wanted to, reduce bullying substantially.

These people are the bystanders.  Bystanders are usually the peers of either the bully or the target.

What would you do if you witnessed an assault in progress?  Would you be scared for your own safety and run away?  Would you physically intervene, yell “Stop that!” or hide while you called 911?  Would you stand and watch, maybe catch it on your iPhone to broadcast later on YouTube?

Statistics reveal that bystanders are present in 85% of bullying instances and reinforce the bully in 81% of these instances.  This means they help the victim only 4% of the time; yet, when bystanders do step in, bullying stops within 10 seconds. (stats from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a grade 9 teacher)

The reasons most bystanders don’t do anything are: The bully is someone others look up to and want to associate with.  They want to side with the bully because then they feel strong.  They’re entertained by the bullying.  They don't think speaking up will help.  They're afraid that if they say something the bully will turn on them.

Saying something as simple as “knock it off” can take away the bully’s power and end the bullying session.  If there is a fear of danger, walk away and call for help.  Even asking for help anonymously will help put a stop to future bullying.

Pink Shirt Day (that sparked this series of articles) stemmed from the actions of two brave bystanders at a school in Nova Scotia.  When a new student was bullied for wearing a pink shirt on his first day, these students bought 50 pink shirts and asked their classmates to wear them.  The message they sent was clear:  No bullying here.  Bye-bye bullies.

Tough Love

Imagine that your child is being bullied.  Your Mama or Papa Bear instincts flare to life and you want to teach that bully a lesson.  You instruct your child how to fight back or you step in angry, yelling…

This is a natural reaction.  But does it really fix anything?  It might save your child from that bully, but does it help the bully’s next victim or the bully himself (or herself)?

In my last few articles, I have used the term “bully” to describe those who inflict some kind of pain upon others.  We think of bullies as powerful and predatory when, in fact, they are weak in some way – insecure, intolerant, arrogant, entitled, abused, or afraid.

Today, let’s put the label of “bully” aside and think of them as the people they are, hurting and searching for a way to feel better.

Referring back to the above example, what would happen if we pushed our initial “fight back” instincts aside?  What if, instead, we explained to the bully firmly and kindly that what he’s doing isn’t right and won’t be tolerated, but that we like him anyway.  What if we encouraged compassion, understanding, and even friendship?  What if we rejected the negative behaviour while acknowledging the worth of the individual?

Two very different men named John, many years apart, wrote:  “All you need is love” and “Love one another”.  Perhaps they were on to something – something profound, something even life-altering.

Children are so impressionable.  Before they become hardened teenagers or adults who need to be fired, fined, or incarcerated, we can help them by doing what is right, even though it’s tough.  We’re not slaves to our instincts; we have the ability to choose, to learn, and to change.  And so do the “bullies”.

Dodging Bullies

Since bullies will probably be with us until our stellar parenting and leadership skills kick in, we all need to learn how to avoid being victims.

Bullies are predators who pounce on those who exhibit weakness.  These perceived weaknesses can be in any area (physical, social, intellectual, etc.).  Someone is short, someone is overweight, someone is uncoordinated, someone is alone, someone won’t swear, someone can’t read, someone got all A’s, someone has dyslexia…

Depending on the bully, the weaknesses they prey upon differ.  Even strengths – like not swearing or getting all A’s – can be seen as a difference and, therefore, a weakness.  We can’t escape being different, so here are a few ideas to make us less likely to be targeted (taken from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a Grade 9 teacher):  a) Don’t bring expensive things to school.  b) Avoid unsupervised areas and try not to walk alone.  c) Act confident.  Hold your head up, stand up straight, and make eye contact.  d) Avoid places where bullying happens.

If you find yourself being bullied:  Ignore them.  Don’t look at them.  Pretend you didn’t hear.  Don’t show that you are angry or upset.  Turn the comment into a joke.  Respond to the bully firmly.  Remove yourself from the situation.  Turn and walk away.  Go to where an adult is.  Tell an adult.  Talk about it with someone you trust.  Write down any incidents.

The key is to take away the bully’s power.  Act like their bullying has no effect.  I stink at this.  I’m the type of person who lies in bed at night coming up with brilliant retorts a few hours too late.  If you’re like me – or even if you’re not – tell an adult or someone who can do something about the bullying.  This is not being a tattle-tale.

Take back the power!