Bye-Bye Bullies

I’ve written about bullies and victims and parents and teachers, but I haven’t written about another very powerful group of people.  People who could, if they wanted to, reduce bullying substantially.

These people are the bystanders.  Bystanders are usually the peers of either the bully or the target.

What would you do if you witnessed an assault in progress?  Would you be scared for your own safety and run away?  Would you physically intervene, yell “Stop that!” or hide while you called 911?  Would you stand and watch, maybe catch it on your iPhone to broadcast later on YouTube?

Statistics reveal that bystanders are present in 85% of bullying instances and reinforce the bully in 81% of these instances.  This means they help the victim only 4% of the time; yet, when bystanders do step in, bullying stops within 10 seconds. (stats from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a grade 9 teacher)

The reasons most bystanders don’t do anything are: The bully is someone others look up to and want to associate with.  They want to side with the bully because then they feel strong.  They’re entertained by the bullying.  They don't think speaking up will help.  They're afraid that if they say something the bully will turn on them.

Saying something as simple as “knock it off” can take away the bully’s power and end the bullying session.  If there is a fear of danger, walk away and call for help.  Even asking for help anonymously will help put a stop to future bullying.

Pink Shirt Day (that sparked this series of articles) stemmed from the actions of two brave bystanders at a school in Nova Scotia.  When a new student was bullied for wearing a pink shirt on his first day, these students bought 50 pink shirts and asked their classmates to wear them.  The message they sent was clear:  No bullying here.  Bye-bye bullies.

Tough Love

Imagine that your child is being bullied.  Your Mama or Papa Bear instincts flare to life and you want to teach that bully a lesson.  You instruct your child how to fight back or you step in angry, yelling…

This is a natural reaction.  But does it really fix anything?  It might save your child from that bully, but does it help the bully’s next victim or the bully himself (or herself)?

In my last few articles, I have used the term “bully” to describe those who inflict some kind of pain upon others.  We think of bullies as powerful and predatory when, in fact, they are weak in some way – insecure, intolerant, arrogant, entitled, abused, or afraid.

Today, let’s put the label of “bully” aside and think of them as the people they are, hurting and searching for a way to feel better.

Referring back to the above example, what would happen if we pushed our initial “fight back” instincts aside?  What if, instead, we explained to the bully firmly and kindly that what he’s doing isn’t right and won’t be tolerated, but that we like him anyway.  What if we encouraged compassion, understanding, and even friendship?  What if we rejected the negative behaviour while acknowledging the worth of the individual?

Two very different men named John, many years apart, wrote:  “All you need is love” and “Love one another”.  Perhaps they were on to something – something profound, something even life-altering.

Children are so impressionable.  Before they become hardened teenagers or adults who need to be fired, fined, or incarcerated, we can help them by doing what is right, even though it’s tough.  We’re not slaves to our instincts; we have the ability to choose, to learn, and to change.  And so do the “bullies”.

Dodging Bullies

Since bullies will probably be with us until our stellar parenting and leadership skills kick in, we all need to learn how to avoid being victims.

Bullies are predators who pounce on those who exhibit weakness.  These perceived weaknesses can be in any area (physical, social, intellectual, etc.).  Someone is short, someone is overweight, someone is uncoordinated, someone is alone, someone won’t swear, someone can’t read, someone got all A’s, someone has dyslexia…

Depending on the bully, the weaknesses they prey upon differ.  Even strengths – like not swearing or getting all A’s – can be seen as a difference and, therefore, a weakness.  We can’t escape being different, so here are a few ideas to make us less likely to be targeted (taken from an anti-bullying presentation sent to me by a Grade 9 teacher):  a) Don’t bring expensive things to school.  b) Avoid unsupervised areas and try not to walk alone.  c) Act confident.  Hold your head up, stand up straight, and make eye contact.  d) Avoid places where bullying happens.

If you find yourself being bullied:  Ignore them.  Don’t look at them.  Pretend you didn’t hear.  Don’t show that you are angry or upset.  Turn the comment into a joke.  Respond to the bully firmly.  Remove yourself from the situation.  Turn and walk away.  Go to where an adult is.  Tell an adult.  Talk about it with someone you trust.  Write down any incidents.

The key is to take away the bully’s power.  Act like their bullying has no effect.  I stink at this.  I’m the type of person who lies in bed at night coming up with brilliant retorts a few hours too late.  If you’re like me – or even if you’re not – tell an adult or someone who can do something about the bullying.  This is not being a tattle-tale.

Take back the power!