I Believe In Angels

This was a hard year for our family. I think it was a hard year for many Albertans. Heck, it was probably a hard year for most of humanity.

Because of this, I was a little apprehensive about heading into the holiday season. Being immersed in school work, I planned to wait until December before hauling out the tree and accoutrements. I made it to November 29^th before succumbing to my son’s big eyes, pleading for the tree to go up and one more box of decorations to come out. Just one more box. Just one more...

He’s smart. Last night I sat on the couch to study while the tree sparkled cheerfully in the corner and I felt content and peaceful. Maybe Christmas shouldn’t be postponed. Maybe Christmas is exactly what I need.

As I basked in the glow of the tree lights and reflected on my life, I remembered all the angels who have helped our family this year. Not winged seraphs dressed in white robes singing “Glory to God in the Highest”, but angels dressed in regular clothes, quietly going about doing good.

We all need angels, especially in these hard times. Angels in all shapes and sizes – mothers, fathers, children, friends, teachers, volunteers, healthcare providers, emergency responders, neighbours, employers, and strangers. They are you. They are me. Helping, sharing, loving, and spreading peace and good will to all men.

If this is Christmas, I’m ready.

I wish you all a joyous – and angelic – Holiday Season.

People Are Priceless

There were several things I considered writing about this week.  End of the school year, etc.  But it’s hard to focus on normal activities when so much is going on south of us.

Television and social media has been bombarded with pictures and news stories of the flooding and destruction in southern Alberta.  While some of the stories have been negative (looting, price gouging, etc.), the majority have been positive:  people helping people, donations pouring in, emergency responders working round the clock to ensure public safety.

When disaster strikes, I think it’s interesting to note our first reactions:  Where’s my family?  Is my family safe?  What about my friends?  Who can I help?

We’re willing to leave everything, grab our loved ones, and get out.  We’re willing to open our homes to family, friends, and even strangers.  We’re willing to donate food, clothing, blankets, toiletries, toys, money, and time to help those in need.

Why?  Because deep down, we know our families and friends – and all people – are the most important things in this world.

Money and possessions are nice and even necessary, but when we lose belongings it’s the photographs, family mementos, and heirlooms – the reminders of times with those we love – that we feel most sick about.

Homes and vehicles and electronic gadgets can be swept away in a moment.  But relationships last forever.  That’s why we feel the urge to help, give, serve, praise, work, lift, and pull together in times of need.  Because we know people are priceless.

I wish we acted that way all the time.

That Feeling

Last Saturday I went with some ladies from my church to a seniors’ facility.  We sat with the residents and made simple Christmas ornaments for them to hang on their doors.

The woman who sat next to me was a little reluctant at first, until we were introduced and she learned who my husband was (he’d helped her with her computer a few years ago) and that I was Kathryn With A Why.  And I was surprised to learn that she is the mother of one of my church friends.  Anyway, we hit it off and enjoyed figuring out the instructions for making the ornament together.

As we worked, we talked.  She told me some of her history – how she met her husband on the coast when he was in the Navy, and how she lived in a one-room house when she first moved to Alberta.  When we were done making the ornament, I went to her room to help with some computer problems she was having.  I updated her browser and she showed me the Il Divo music videos that she enjoyed watching on YouTube.

When it was time to go, I gave her a hug and asked if I could come back and visit sometime, maybe bring my kids.  She seemed happy about that, so that’s what I’ll do.  I think we’ve just adopted a new Grandma in town!

The neat thing is, when I started out that morning, I had planned to do good for others.  I didn’t realize I would go home with that feeling – like my heart was going to burst with joy.  I’ve had that feeling many times, but each time it’s a wonderful surprise, though it shouldn’t be.  It’s that feeling God always gives His children when they show love for each other – at Christmastime and all year long.

I wonder how many other seniors would appreciate a visit.

Now Is The Time

This past week marked two years since my mom was hit by a car while crossing a street in Lethbridge.  Yes, she waited for the light to turn green and she was in a crosswalk; nevertheless, a car ran straight into her.

She doesn’t remember much except lying on the ground for a long time while emergency workers assessed her injuries.  She required surgery to set a broken leg with metal plates and pins.

That wasn’t a phone call I was expecting.  Fortunately, by the time I was notified, the news “Mom was hit by a car” was followed with “but she’s alive and came through surgery okay.”

Times like this make me refocus.  What’s most important to me?  My relationships.  Does my behaviour reflect this?  Am I quick to apologize, to forgive, to spend time, to say “I love you”?  Sometimes when those phone calls come, it’s too late to go back and change things.  Now is the time.

As for driving, let’s slow down, shoulder check, put away the cell phone, and invest in sunglasses.  And pedestrians, even when you have the right of way, make sure the cars around you are stopping before you cross.  Make eye-contact with drivers to ensure they’ve seen you.

My mom endured painful physiotherapy, did her exercises faithfully, limped around on crutches for awhile, and her leg healed.  But the strain on her knee took its toll and a few months later she required knee replacement surgery and more rehabilitation.  Now she’s up and about, but the accident caused permanent nerve damage and she’ll never be the same.

Still, when I think of how that phone call two years ago could have gone, I am thankful my mom is still with us.  Who are you thankful for?  Now is the time to tell them.

The Perfect Mother

Did you have a good Mothers Day?  I hope so.

Some of my Mothers Days have been better than others.  One year I found myself in tears because it felt like a day to celebrate The Perfect Mother ideal rather than The Imperfect Mother reality.  Instead of feeling appreciated for what I was, I saw my many flaws.

Then I got smart.  I took a closer look at the mothers around me.  I have a mother, a mother-in-law, three sisters and four sisters-in-law who are mothers, and many friends and acquaintances who are mothers.  That’s a lot of mothers to observe, including myself.

Guess what I found we had in common?

Nothing.

Except that we’re all mothers.

There’s the mother who plans her life around her children and rarely does anything without them, and the mother who lives her life and squeezes her children in there somewhere.  There’s the mother who sprays everything with disinfectant, and the mother who thinks a little dirt never hurt anyone.  There’s the mother who sees nothing wrong with an occasional swat on the bottom, and the mother who gives only time-outs.  There’s the mother who dresses her kids in designer clothes and tells them to “stay clean”, and the mother who dresses them in stained pants and says “get dirty”.  There’s the mother who watches her child’s diet carefully, and the mother who feels that childhood is a time for sweets and treats.

Yup, we’re all different.  When it comes to mothering, there’s no one right way to do things.  Sure, there’s always room for improvement, but remember this:  not everyone decorates cakes, sews clothes, throws parties, and braids hair like they do on Pinterest.  So give yourself – and other mothers – a break.

 

The Perfect Mother is the one who loves her children and does her best to care for them, realizing that some days are better than others.

Tough Love

Imagine that your child is being bullied.  Your Mama or Papa Bear instincts flare to life and you want to teach that bully a lesson.  You instruct your child how to fight back or you step in angry, yelling…

This is a natural reaction.  But does it really fix anything?  It might save your child from that bully, but does it help the bully’s next victim or the bully himself (or herself)?

In my last few articles, I have used the term “bully” to describe those who inflict some kind of pain upon others.  We think of bullies as powerful and predatory when, in fact, they are weak in some way – insecure, intolerant, arrogant, entitled, abused, or afraid.

Today, let’s put the label of “bully” aside and think of them as the people they are, hurting and searching for a way to feel better.

Referring back to the above example, what would happen if we pushed our initial “fight back” instincts aside?  What if, instead, we explained to the bully firmly and kindly that what he’s doing isn’t right and won’t be tolerated, but that we like him anyway.  What if we encouraged compassion, understanding, and even friendship?  What if we rejected the negative behaviour while acknowledging the worth of the individual?

Two very different men named John, many years apart, wrote:  “All you need is love” and “Love one another”.  Perhaps they were on to something – something profound, something even life-altering.

Children are so impressionable.  Before they become hardened teenagers or adults who need to be fired, fined, or incarcerated, we can help them by doing what is right, even though it’s tough.  We’re not slaves to our instincts; we have the ability to choose, to learn, and to change.  And so do the “bullies”.

Where Do Bullies Come From?

Once there was a little boy whose father beat him and his mother yelled at him.  When the little boy went to school, he shouted at the other children and threw rocks because he didn’t know how to be nice.

During my reading this week, I learned that an estimated 40% of bullies are bullied themselves at home or at school.  These abused children feel powerless and, in turn, try to find power and attention elsewhere, often acting out physically.

This is how some bullies are created, but not all.

Researchers have not been able to find a link between bullies and race, religion, income level, gender, etc. but they can agree on this:  bullies are created because they are searching for some kind of power.

For example, children seeking the power of popularity will try to cover their own low self-esteem by putting others down (social bullying).  This is the most common form of bullying I have seen.

Many bullies have no “reason” to be mean.  They are often superior in some way (athletic, attractive, or social) and power over their peers comes naturally, resulting in a following.  This taste of power creates a thirst for more power, which they usually gain through intimidation, another form of bullying.  An example of this?  Captain of a sports team.

The bad news is that bullying is a learned behaviour – which puts parents (and all adults) in the hot seat.  The good news is that we can do something about it:

1) Be kind.  2) Learn appropriate and consistent discipline.  3) Show unconditional love that is not based on achievements or popularity.  4) Nip bullying behaviour in the bud (using step #2).  5) Seek professional help if your child shows abnormally aggressive, impulsive, or anti-social behaviour.  6) Be an example of tolerance and consideration for others.

It’s a good place to start.

The Adoption Option

I recently flew to Ontario to visit my brother and his family.  The reason for this trip was to participate in a celebration welcoming their newly adopted, 12-year-old daughter into the family.

My brother and his wife already have two teenage sons of their own.  Now, through the lengthy and careful process of adoption, and nothing short of a few miracles, they have a daughter to cherish as well.

I have watched friends go through the process of adopting a new baby.  First the application, then the excruciating waiting, then the excitement of the phone call, then the disappointment of the mother’s change of heart.  After several attempts, they finally received a baby to love and call their own.

These friends weren’t the only ones going through this process.  In fact, there seems to be more couples hoping to adopt a baby than there are babies being placed for adoption.  It makes me wonder why adoption isn’t considered more seriously by teenage girls and any woman who finds herself pregnant and unable to provide a long-term, stable, and loving home for the child.

When some of the alternatives – abortion, poverty, neglect, abuse – are measured, adoption is a beautiful option.  I can think of few things less selfish than a mother putting her child’s needs above her own emotions.

Since it’s easier to find homes for brand new babies than older children, upon discovery of an unplanned pregnancy the adoption option should be weighed immediately as one of two choices:  Keep the baby and provide a loving home, or allow the baby to be adopted and raised in another loving home.

As I saw the joy on the faces of my newest niece and her new family, I felt gratitude for both the foster mother who loved this child for five years and the biological mother who had the courage to say good-bye.

The Greatest Love

I wasn’t planning to write another “Valentine” article, but the passing of Whitney Houston inspired me to do so.  She was one of the few artists whose music I could enjoy song after song.

The Greatest Love of All was my favourite.  She sang it beautifully and, while I believe “the greatest love of all” should actually be one’s love for God, not for oneself, learning to love ourselves is still a message worthy of attention.

One Valentine’s Day when I didn’t have a boyfriend, I bought myself a dozen roses.  Some of my friends said this was weird, but others agreed it was a great idea.  I thought it was perfectly normal to show love for myself by doing something that made me feel good.  I love flowers and I didn’t think I should have to wait for someone else to buy them for me.

Sometimes self love gets wound up in our promotions, our looks, our possessions, our friends, and our abilities.  We define our worth by our successes and failures – how our children behave, whether we were able to lose ten pounds, how many friends we have on Facebook, or whether we made partner by the time we were thirty.

Love of self can be a tricky thing.  While it should motivate us to want to be better, to look good, to develop talents, to aim for success, it shouldn’t be measured by those things.  It’s how we feel deep down, when we’re alone, and even if the career, money, possessions, and beauty were to disappear.

Our self relationships can be improved with effort.  Smiling when we pass a mirror no matter what our hair looks like, telling ourselves we’re terrific even on a hard day, buying flowers if we want them, and remembering to look upward as well as inward.

Those Three Little Words

I grew up in a family that didn’t say “I love you” very often.  In fact, it seemed to be a difficult thing for us to say.  Right before bedtime I occasionally mustered the courage to say it then I would quickly slip away to my room where I could hide my tears.

Now that I’m married with children, it’s easy to say “I love you” and wonderful to hear it in return.  But is saying it enough?

When I was growing up, I never doubted that my family loved me because we found other ways to show our love instead of saying it, like spending lots of time together both working and playing, and treating each other with respect.

If saying “I love you” is hard, there are other fun ways to express those three little words:  writing in steam on the bathroom mirror, a note tucked into a lunch box, or coloured paper hearts scattered on a favourite chair or pillow are just a few ideas.

My brother-in-law enjoys those little red cinnamon heart candies so my sister hides them throughout his personal belongings.  She wrote a poem telling him that whenever he finds one, he is to remember that she loves him.

Besides “I love you”, there are other three-word combinations that are nice to hear often:  “Thanks for dinner”, “Let me help”, or “I am sorry”.

What woman doesn’t like to hear “You look beautiful”, “Let’s eat out”, or “You are right”?  Men might rather hear “You’re so strong”, “Let’s make out”, or “Here’s the remote”.  Hey, whatever works!

As some fridge magnets remind us, “Love Is a Verb” because it is expressed and affected by the things we say and do.  To keep love alive and healthy, it needs to be fed and nurtured.  Using those three little words regularly is a good start.

The Magic of Giving

My first Christmas away from home was spent in Montreal with a roommate from Italy.  We couldn’t be with our families, so on Christmas Day we went to a long-term care facility to feed those who couldn’t feed themselves.  After lunch we went from room to room, visiting, admiring family photos, and singing requested carols.

One woman scared me.  When we went to her room, she hissed with bared teeth and foul breath, “I’m gonna die!”  Fortunately, a friend who was with us knew what to do.  He removed the angel from his lapel and gently pinned it to her nightgown, explaining that this angel would keep her company.  Her face softened and peace filled her eyes.  I marveled at the difference this kind but simple gesture had made to a frightened woman.

Not many days later we found her bed vacant, and I was extra grateful that we had spent some time and shared a little joy with her on Christmas Day.

Subsequent Christmases have come and gone, filled with friends and family, parties and concerts, good food, and plenty of presents.  Still, something about that Christmas in Montreal stands out from the others.  Gifts were few and family was absent, but joy was abundant as I learned that most important lesson:  When we give, we can’t help but receive.

That is the magic of giving.  When we spread love and joy by selflessly giving to others, we feel love and joy in our own hearts.

There are so many ways to give:  donating to a food bank; letting someone ahead of us in line; inviting a widow for dinner; shoveling a neighbour’s driveway; writing to a lonely uncle…  The possibilities are endless...and so is the magic of giving.